As a woman I define myself as a daughter, mother, entrepreneur, mentor and friend.  I often ponder thoughts on friendship because my personal friendships have always been an integral part of my life.  I am blessed to have a continued friendship with my high school gal pals for the past 35 years.  I was filled with glee when my friends were there to celebrate the happiest times in my life and there to hold my hand and let me cry following the death of my husband.  Yes, my friends have truly created this patchwork I call memories.

I now wonder how we have gotten to a place in life where we sacrifice real face time with our friends for social media interactions on facebook and twitter?  In some ways the technology of connecting with old friends and making new friends is an amazing medium, we meet new friends and follow our other friends instantaneously without leaving our desk.   But even with all the advances in technology I continue to ask myself have we given up the time to actually meet friends in person because we’re too busy and now social media is easier?

We women need friends for physical and emotional well-being and I for one don’t get all my nurturing needs met through social media.  I miss my girlfriend time and look forward to getting together in person.  If you’ve been lured into the facebook routine perhaps its time to reconnect with your friends for some in-face time, create some rituals that will be fun to commit to such as monthly night out, or once a year commitment to meeting a great friend who lives across the country reconnecting someplace in the middle for a weekend of fun.

Sometimes friendships fall apart despite the efforts to stay connected, I wonder if this simply is the ebb and flow of life, like the saying goes “sometimes people are with us for a reason, a season or a lifetime.”

Girlfriends for 35 years

Maya. She lived on a ranch in Nevada with a wide view of the plains and

plenty of room for guests. People were always passing through, bearing wine

and ingredients for dishes they’d cook and eat together. When her daughter

invited me to stay on the ranch to write a novel, I became part of Maya’s

vibrant social circle. She was 90 then, and the fact that she was keen to

get to know a woman half her age was testimony to her gift for friendship.

My friend Sheila died of cancer Nov 9th, age 55

When she died, I told her daughter that no one had had such a good old age

as Maya. Though she’d been divorced for years and had lost her son, she was

rarely lonely. Her friends helped her keep an amused sparkle in her eyes and

vigor in her step.

Maya made me realize that the secret of successful aging lies in our

friendships — so I’ve been reassessing and reconnecting with people I

consider friends. Who are the perennial flowers in my life, those who bring

color and delight every year? And who are the weeds, who leave me feeling

depleted? At midlife, there’s plenty of time to sow new seeds of friendships

that will bring us joy and — as it turns out — good health.

My soul sister Olga (r)

Cultivating Chemistry

There’s solid scientific research showing that friends actually change the

biochemistry of our brains and the functioning of our immune systems. “Good

friendships put our brains and bodies in an optimal state of function,” says

psychologist Daniel Goleman, author of Social Intelligence. “That state is

associated with positive emotions, like joy, which help strengthen the

immune system and the cardiovascular system.”

Scientists have long observed that people with rich social relationships

Neighborhood Friends

live longer than those who are lonely. The more close friends we have, the

more likely we are to be healthy — suffering lower rates of chronic

diseases, accidents, and psychological impairments.

Friendlessness, by contrast, is a major risk factor for disease and early

death, comparable to high blood pressure, obesity, and other serious health

risks. “Being socially isolated is comparable to the negative effects of

cigarette smoking for your health,” says James Coan, PhD, a psychologist and

neuroscientist at the University of Virginia.

What causes this strong correlation between friendship and health? One

Two long time girlfriends Carrie & Linda

theory is that friends provide stress buffering, which is basically social

and psychological support. “Friends may encourage health-promoting behaviors

like proper sleep and exercise, and nag when you drink too much or smoke,”

explains Eric Loucks, a psychologist and epidemiologist at McGill University

who studies the effects of social isolation on heart disease. Maya had a lot

of friends who served as stress buffers, driving her to the doctor, filling

her freezer with soups, and calling in the twilight hours, when she’d

sometimes feel melancholy.

How Loneliness Harms Us

Scientists are also finding that we’re hardwired to seek out others. Too

much alone time and our bodies send out distress signals. “Humans are

fragile as individuals, so when we’re alone, we are in a state of potential

danger,” says John Cacioppo, director of the Center for Cognitive and Social

Neuroscience at the University of Chicago. When you feel lonely, your brain

responds by increasing levels of the hormone cortisol, putting you on alert,

as though an enemy were present.

With long periods of loneliness, the overload of cortisol can harm us,

increasing our chances of getting chronic conditions such as cardiovascular

disease and hypertension, Cacioppo says. It can also destroy neurons that

affect memory and interfere with sleep. So much for going it alone.

We’re so wired to make friends that the absence of companionship registers

in our brains like pain. Naomi Eisenberger, a research psychologist at the

University of California at Los Angeles, has found that when people

experience social exclusion, it activates the same region of the brain as

when we’re physically hurt. “Since humans need others to survive,” she says,

“we’ve adapted this mechanism to feel distressed when we’re separated from

others, so that we’ll seek them out.”

Longtime friend Jan (r)

Midlife Companionship

But at midlife, we’re more careful about who gets close. “There’s a

narrowing and deepening of friendship as we get older,” Coan says. We may

have fewer friends, but they’re the ones who can help us be healthy. When we

know someone for a long time, he says, we begin to mirror their emotional

reactions. If we have many positive interactions with someone, our brain

associates that person with good feelings and reacts accordingly.

That’s why, when I’m feeling blue, I call my friend Cristina. It actually

Great friends always include you

doesn’t matter what she says; the fact that we’ve spent so much time

laughing together cheers me up. When I went through a difficult divorce

several years ago, it was my longtime friends who eased my pain: Mary, who

suggested I fill my calendar with a social event every night, and penned

herself in first; Cecilia, who called every week to suggest a long hike; and

Lauren, who introduced me to a handsome single guy. Now those are good pals.

How Society Thwarts Sickness

Like Maya, I love having people over — and it turns out that this may do me

as much good as the multivitamin I take daily. When Sheldon Cohen, PhD, a

psychologist at Carnegie Mellon University, measured volunteers’ levels of

sociability and then exposed them to a cold virus, those with the fewest

close relationships were four times more likely to catch the cold.

Even nodding acquaintances — someone, say, in a yoga class — can

contribute to our health, but close friends are best. When psychologist

Lynne Giles, of Flinders University in Australia, looked at the effects of

social networks on longevity, she found that of 1,477 people age 70 or

older, those who had the most close friends — four or five confidantes –

were 22 percent less likely to die over the next 10 years than those with

fewer friends. Whether or not they had children made no difference in

longevity. “Not everyone has a fantastic relationship with their children,”

Giles notes.

My friend Maya lived so well in her old age because she cultivated her old

My Aunt Fran's 90th b-day party

friends, pruned out the ones she couldn’t bother with, and stimulated her

mind by getting to know new people who told her what they were reading or

talked about their recent travels. Since Maya died, I have appreciated my

relationship with her daughter even more.

It’s wonderful to know that just

by being close friends, we can help keep each other healthy for decades to

come.

Circle of Strength is about strength we derive from the circle of women around us. Honor  those in your circle with an inspirational gift from the Circle of Strength Boutique.

“I would never trade my amazing friends, my wonderful life, my loving family for less gray hair or a flatter belly.  As I’ve aged, I’ve become my own friend. I don’t chide myself for eating that extra cookie, or for not making my bed, or for buying that silly cement gecko that I didn’t need, but looks so avante garde on my patio. I am entitled to a treat, to be messy, to be extravagant.

I have seen too many dear friends leave this world too soon; before they understood the great freedom that comes with aging.

Whose business is it if I choose to read or play on the computer until 4 AM and sleep until noon?  I will dance with myself to those wonderful tunes of the 60’s & 70’s, and if I, at the same time, wish to weep over a lost love, I will.

I will walk the beach in a swim suit that is stretched over a bulging body, and will dive into the waves with abandon if I choose to, despite the pitying glances from the jet set.  They too will get old.

I know I am sometimes forgetful, but there again, some of life is just as well forgotten. And I eventually remember the important things.

my husband Allan died June 2005

Sure, over the years my heart has been broken. How can your heart not break when you lose a loved one, or when a child suffers, or even when somebody’s beloved pet gets hit by a car? But broken hearts are what give us strength and understanding and compassion.  A heart never broken is pristine and sterile and will never know the joy of being imperfect.

I am blessed to have lived long enough to have my hair turning gray, and to have my youthful laughs be forever etched into deep grooves on my face.  So many have never laughed, and so many have died before their hair could turn silver.

My friend Sheila died of cancer Nov 9th, age 55

As you get older, it is easier to be positive. You care less about what other people think. I don’t question myself anymore. I’ve earned the right to be wrong.

My Amazing Girlfriends

So, to answer your question, I like being older. It has set me free.  I like the person I have become. I am not going to live forever, but while I am still here, I will not waste time lamenting what could have been, or worrying about what will be.  And I shall east dessert every single day if I feel like it.”

*The amazing women in the photo have been friends over 35 years, now that’s something to be grateful for and truly a circle of strength.

I wish all a Merry Christmas & very happy new year.

So, I urge you to take time and celebrate the incredible strength you gain from your girlfriends and embrace their love and support because they will see you through the decades of your life.

Thanks Bob, Diana, Bob & Linda!